Earlier this year, I was speaking to my belly dancing teacher, Amira Jamal, about feeling insecure about my dancing. I was in a belly dancing rut. Though I was trying to listen to more belly dancing music when I could, I wasn't really connecting with it. I felt that I wasn't being creative enough with my steps when we would improvise during class. I felt like, "Well, I'm no professional, and I don't really have any goals necessarily."We even talked about it in class with my classmates, and they made me feel so much better. They talked about their own experiences, and how they're not all going towards being professional dancers. They talked about using their own standard set of moves until inspiration hits them. And they talked about connecting and not connecting with the music, and how it's okay to not connect sometimes.
After speaking with them all, I felt I had a better grasp on what was bugging me. I was focusing too much on hammering the skills and the music into my system without any real direction.
So, I realized that I needed to expand my knowledge not by hammering, but by exploring the belly dance community. But more importantly, I needed to embrace the image of myself as a dancer and performer.
I hesitated so long because I didn't trust myself. I definitely have a habit of dabbling without getting fully immersed - and really only because I didn't think I could be that good at anything. Below are some examples.
*I've been playing the piano since I was 7 and the bass since I was 10 (that's right, the big ol' upright). And while I've played bass for a year in the University Orchestra at UC Santa Cruz and I have an electric bass and keyboard at home, I rarely practice. I'd love to find the time to practice more. I've even tried to schedule it into my life, but it's just not happening.
*I've made jewelry and sold little pieces, learned how to use a sewing machine and made a couple of purses for myself, and I've stenciled/silk screened a couple of designs onto my own clothes. While some folks turn it into a profitable passion, I just haven't been able to do it. I've even been told at crafty-type fairs that I could sell seashell necklaces similar to the ones I always wear - which I've put together. But...you have to invest something to make a profit. And I just haven't had the funds to really invest.
Now that I've been a Goddess for almost 3 years, I'm fully invested in that business and I love it! As a part-time job, I couldn't ask for more. At this point, starting a side business in seashell necklaces or even practicing my musical instruments seems like putting too many eggs in my basket.
That's another thing that's made me hesitate so much. The eggs in my basket.
With belly dance, it's definitely another very expensive investment. Just classes alone is an investment. But clearly, I can't just dance without pretty shiny things, so the cost of costumes has to be taken into account. Mentally, I know I was still super nervous about performing in public - even though I had already gone through several recitals and even organized an event to help new performers get accustomed to putting themselves in the public eye.
Interestingly, I realized that if I can go around with a luggage full of sex toys and wave them around, I could probably grow some belly dancing cojones. So, after dancing at the Athenian Corner in Lowell in May 2008, then for the Quarry Hill Talent Show in August 2008, then for the Celebration of Expression in October 2008... AND after some serious mental training, I embraced the image of myself as a dancer and performer.
I started looking at the different online belly dance communities - Yahoo! Groups, Facebook, bhuz.com, etc. I also love that my classmates always came back with new information and skills from different workshops they attended. So, I made it a point to look for workshops and events to attend, and use my wonderfully talented classmates as resources. I also knew that there were many teachers in the Boston area, so I did some research and signed up for more classes. Finally, I attacked my Netflix queue, and now have found several belly dancing DVD's that I've used for both exercise and skill acquirement (and they're consistently kicking my butt!).
So, after I found my belly dancing cojones, I am now juggling 3 eggs. Day job, Athena's, and belly dance. At this point, I'm still not seeing belly dance as another way to make profit - though that would be sweet! But, I'm just trying to grow in my skill set...strengthening my cojones...and trying to juggle these eggs without dropping them.
